Borderline Life: All In

There must be something in the water on Tuesday’s. We went into the cycle again starting Tuesday night. What started it you ask? Great question, when I know, I will let you know. We have been battling communication struggles. How am I supposed to know that where the remote was put in the same place as you charge your phone, required a sanitary wipedown before using it again? I used the word “rules” last night. Too many “rules.” Is that an accurate description? No. It is not rules, it is our minds and how they work and no one can guess exactly what we are wanting and thinking at all times. We had a great anniversary just the day prior, but I forget when things are good, the struggle is real with my spouse. I know this sounds like OCD, and yes it is, but one triggers the other. I read the book “Walking on Eggshells” and that is what has given me the tools to realize that it is not personal when I am being called names and being yelled at. But “I showed no empathy” in my responses, how is trying to ask questions not showing empathy. After eight months of not retaliating, I broke the streak last night. I replied with “you are a f___ing selfish person,” I immediately tried to put the apology into perspective, I was battling a migraine and the blows kept coming so I responded with that. I am not looking for empathy from you, only offering perspective.

We reconciled in the morning, but now as I write this we are in round two of the battle. We tried to talk a bit more on healthy communication, but I struck a nerve when I asked if I could be talked to in a respectful manner so we could have a constructive discussion. That went south quick. That triggered emotions that only a select few people in this world could understand, that is why I am sharing such personal, true, life. I said I was all in today and I got blasted with why was I not all in for the past decade plus. I admit, I wasn’t all in then, but I am now. I try to stay focused on the future, and not the past. It is hard for both of us when the past is littered with scars and words that can never be taken back.

My appeal to everyone is to understand this struggle, I refuse to call it a disorder or anything else. This is a daily struggle that people battle demons within themselves that they cannot understand or even know they are there. This is “normal.” NORMAL!! Yes normal. The normal can change, but we all see things through our distorted lenses and some distortions are more difficult to navigate to reality. I wish I had more clever movie references today, but the mood is a bit somber right now. I guess this is the scene of me sitting under this great cherry blossom, reflecting with near tears, but not quite. I keep repeating all in. You must be all in. People with this struggle need people in their lives that are all in with them. All in through the insults, all in through the hurt, all in with the struggle. Do not bail on these people, I hope I can stay all in an never bail.